Sometimes life takes you places you don’t expect. You work and raise a family while trying to hold your own composer watching tiny girls grow everyday becoming more and more beautiful. Trying to set a good example you find yourself not having any fun. The kids have fun and you enjoy it which is great. Your wife is great to talk to and helps with almost everything everyday. Adding to her stress doesn’t seem worth it. What do you do when no matter what you feel like you have to hold everything inside. Not to hurt anyone or because you want change but because you physically do not have time. When life just happens you should embrace it.
Last night my wife told me to go with my cousins to grab pizza after trick or treat had commenced. When getting in the car I instantly felt the change of perception in regards to life. Suddenly it was okay being open while the kids and family were back at home. Knowing that they were playing and having fun and everything was fine made life easier to let go. Driving to the pizza joint amazed at how different things seemed. Music they spoke of was not familiar to me and seemed silly. Two brothers arguing in a fun way about music that I had never heard of. “Just go to Fucking YouTube, It’s on your iPhone” followed by “I don’t have YouTube”. Sitting in the back I wondered if they were using bluetooth or a 3.5mm jack to listen to music. If bluetooth I could have had what they wanted within seconds, however It was fun listening to them bicker. Shortly after arriving at the parlor I had realized that nothing from the car ride mattered and that it was all just fun. That being said I can say that I have not had a beer in a very long time. I had already turned one down that evening, but this time I decided not to. If I would have it would have been okay. I was not pressed to drink at all either time. Being Diabetic I do not like to drink very often and it had been almost 2 years since I had a beer. Needless to say I ended up having a beer or two with them. Riding in the car was interesting and I thought if I had a beer I would loosen up a bit and I was right. I struggle with acceptance of myself and criticize others in return. Something I hate about myself and have wanted to fix. Now is the best time I thought. Let me tell you something about me personally.
I have 4 cousins that I feel are all great people and successful. I would not say I look up to them or idealize them, but I think that what they have accomplished is so fantastic. Each to is own they have totally different stories of the paths they have taken just like anyone else. In the end all being close and me still on the outside watching. I have watched for years while creating my story and just then in that moment with everything else in my life I stopped watching. I accepted my games I play and my values I support and my wife that I love and my kids that I am raising and I started to talk and I started to drink and as I drank I continued to talk and the more I talked the more I realized that….. No one knows me and my story. I have watched everyone in my life for so long that I have never created a story for others to give advice. I have never held a friendship nor have I cared about anyone other than my wife and kids. Iv always watched others and tried to figure out what I wanted and focused on whatever I wanted to when. Really focus like devoting my entire life to one thing. Now I have 2 wonderful kids and a beautiful wife at the age of 25 with nothing but multiple skills that I am great at but have not mastered and a ridiculous amount of anxiety.
You have to stop and focus on you and accept yourself. I still do not know how this will all turn out and nothing changes quickly, but something is changing and has to. If it doesn’t I wont be able to raise my kids. Who am I and what will I carry out? You don’t know and neither do I. You can’t say that you will figure it out or that I am just living life. I am finding me and it wont happen overnight. Who are you and what do you strive for? Why is it that even though we all have a story people like me want to test every detail? Life happens and we are making our own story. What do you think about? Do you want to raise your kids better than you? or is it something simple like your scared to take that plunge and do something? Simple as it maybe your mind will tell you otherwise.
This turned into a bit of a ramble. I have a beautiful daughter to feed and waiting on my other beautiful daughter and wife to come home with some food.
The Point! Accept yourself no matter what, How are you going to have the best story if you are watching everyone? Take the best of both worlds and learn what to do and what not to do. Stop judging and focus on acceptance of you. Everyone and everything else will follow when you open your book and start your story.
Do or Do not. There is no Try. – Master Yoda
MagniDAD 